Damn freaking tired, sleepy & sad today. A very complicated feeling mixing inside my heart right now.

Went KTV with my god-jie & friends yesterday night. Reached home around 1130+pm.

Msged my bf since 9pm. He replied back at 12+am. Bloody hell. His reason for replying late, watching TV, hp in room. Nice huh? Damn pissed. Have a very bad quarrel with him yesterday or rather today since 12am to almost 330am. And we are on the edge of breaking up. :'(

He said I have attitude problems. Yes, I do have attitude problems. So is he. Told him what I thought & how I feel towards him & our relationship, instead of catching any hints behind the "stories" we end up in a atrocious quarrel.

Don't know starting from when-so-ever, whenever we meet up at my workplace(MRT station there), throughout the whole journey back to my house; we haven't been holding hands not to say behave like a couple. We are simply like 最熟悉的陌生人 who just stand next to each other. We did not talk much either. Even we do, our conversation are pretty short too. Often can see couples behaving intimately in public places, do make me jealous. My bf's a VERY shy boy, that's the only thing I could say. =/

He's an introverted/reticent person. Often I could see him with a "black" face whenever we meet up. He said he's just being tired. Sometimes I asked him anything happened he would say nothing and so I assume it's really nothing that troubles him.

He said, I kept showing attitudes nowadays. Why did I do so? Because of him. Seeing him unhappy affected my mood for that particular day too. Yesterday, I suggested to go Burger King to have our lunch at Simei so that we do not have to walk all the way in if we go to Bedok's branch. He insisted on going to Bedok's branch. In the end, I got fare-up and said I don't want to eat BK anymore. Later on, he said "if you wanna eat BK at Simei den we go Simei eat lor..". I told him straight, "I dun wanna eat anymore.". He: "You want eat den go lor..". Me: "I said, I dun wanna eat anymore.". There starts our cold war for the day. Reaching my house, I asked him to buy his food and I'll go home first and I'm not eating. He got fare-up and refused to eat too. Back to my house, no conversation throughout till 1 hour before he got to leave. He watch his VCDs, I play with silly Z & then nap.

It's darn vexing. Some of my bad points, impatient, stubborn, unreasonable, dictatorial and kooky. Sometimes when I said I want something now, and I really mean NOW. This is why even he said go Simei BK to have lunch, I rejected. Now is now. Whatever happened after now might not be what I previously wanted. Once I set my mind to do something now/in time/on time, I expected myself or who-so-ever involved to accomplish it like I wanted it to be done so. I hate last minute change of minds. Its terribly annoying.

Many of my friends, even my family members (my mum especially), often asked; have I meet up with his parents? Does his family (especially his mum) know about our relationship? My answer, sadly no. He said, his family are very traditional minded. BGR during schooling days especially at young age are not allowed. Okay I'm fine with it, as long we are happy together, I don't really fucking care whether they know about it or not and whatever others said. He told me, his mum would most likely object our relationship if she ever learn about it. She too, when insisting in doing something, she really mean it. This is why most all his family members, except his mum, knew about our relationship.

Last time, whenever I told him about this, he would say "ok, I'll tell my mum. Don't care what she say or even she objects." Now? HaHaHa.. he would say/said: "ok, I'll tell my mum now. She will object. And there would mark an end to our relationship." =/ Contradicting.

Sometimes when my curiosity strucks, I would ask if I could see what's in his wallet and handphones. He would be unhappy and refused to let me do so. Yes, I know its privacy. We've been together for going 1 ½ years and I don't even/never know/see what he have in his wallet or handphones. Since he doesn't like it, I LL too. As if I'm really that gian, that yao gui.

His peers. I really wonder does any of his friends ever know that he actually have a GF for going 1 ½ years already. And yes, if you ever wonder.. I have never ever, see or hear, know or talk to any of his friends before. Don't ever ask me about his friends. I don't know any! =S

He admitted he have changed. Changed to becoming more and more ridiculously demanding. I really don't get what he really want me to change into. A more perfect person? Someone who's more like his dream girl? Noone in this world can/is perfect. I've already tried my very best to change. What else does he still want? Which area/problem with me, he's still not satisfy with?! Attitude? Tell me, how to change it? My character is naturally this way. I am what I am. If he doesn't like the way I am or my character it is, then, why choose me in the very first place? :(

I jolly well know, I'm plump & ugly. Dumb & pretty demanding too. And he'ld see other girls and praise how pretty how good their figures are. If that so, go get their numbers and date them out lor like I always told him since I'm that inperfect & disgracing. I should hide at home forever for being so disgracing to him. Yeah, I feel inferior. And doubt I'll ever get out of this shadow.

I really feel that I do not understand him well. And I totally know nothing about his family and friends other then those he told me. I want to know and understand more about him. If possible almost everything.

I often said "I have bf machiam no bf". Why??!! Maybe is because I don't have the sense of security or is it my inferiority is acting up. Sigh. I don't know. We only get to meet once or twice every week, few hours each time only. Probably that's why I feel that way.

I feel damn stressful sometimes. I want to let him feel proud being with me, happy with me. Letting him know that I'm willing and can change for his sake. I can share his happiness, sorrows and burdens. I'm not just wanting to be with him for just for the sake of being together. He said, he did not ask me to make myself a clown to entertain him upon seeing him having "black" face. Honestly, besides making myself a fool trying to cheer him up/make him happy even only for a short while, I really don't know what else I can do. I really don't know/understand what he is thinking deep in his mind. I'm still trying to figure it. 如果爱他是一种错, 我宁可永远都错下去! 爱一个人, 也要爱他的错和他的一切.. I'm still trying to accomplish this target. It won't be easy, but I'll try.

I've changed so much for him, but why haven he change for me? I don't really expect much. Just hope he'll try to understand what I really want from him. I won't want him to change thoroughly. That would'nt be him anymore if he really do so. Just hope he would at least change his attitude problems(don't say me hor. U yourself oso haf v jialat AP! =/) and be slightly more sociable. He can't be anti-social all the time. When he start working, those anti-social ones are most likely to be bullied and at disadvantage. Put more happy expressions on your face. You're the cutest when you smile, did you know that? Being cool may be really cool but in Singapore, cool is the most uncool expression. And learn to be slightly more humble. This would help you vastly in various areas. And please try to love silly Z! Yes, I know you don't like him. Hate him even more when knowing I love him most. In your eyes, he may be just a silly dog. But in my eyes, he's more than just a dog! And he love you more than me. Can't you just be kinder to him? At least love him abit? Dogs DO have feelings too!

Below are some msgs that he sms me:

Msg 1: I dun expect anything from u liao.. i am in the wrong rite showing how much i love u must definitely b shown to the public i dun hold ur hands is coz we keep unhappy wif each other u really wanna c my hp n wallet so much fine i show it to u but im telling u there is the least privacy to everyone ok.. u wan to c my frens all my frens r gone i rarely contact them coz i spend most of the time wif studying n u.. my family u wan toc my family cant u understand wat my family is like my family is a darn traditional family ok u wan to break our relationship now fine i tell my mum bout us tmr.. oh great next time i shud kiss u more outside public rite show everyone we r rite ok we shud do tat..

Msg 2: n how simple it is to please u u just wan me to hold ur hands den tell me just tell me on the spot its not taht i will get angry or wat.. i will just hold ur hands where is the loving n caring me? dun i care bout u? dun i love u? just ask ur self wat ever i wana do u r not interested n things i dun like to do i still wish to just to please u just like that day u sat beside me the whole nite watching me play the game u noe how happy i was? coz each time i ask u dar u wanna play u wud say no dun wan not interested den i wud play alone n u wud sleep.. ok nvm.. den each time i ask u to watch anime wif me r u concentrating on the show or most of the time playing wif ur son or wat.. n not onli this dun u think u pay more attention on ur dog den me.. i wonder y i always play games at ur house coz u either slp or play wif ur son.. ya sometimes i cannot force u to do things tat u dun wan to do ok.. nvm.. i oso noe there r things tat i promise to do wif u n haven done it example going Ktv wif u n ur jie ya.. but its not tat i dun wan its sometimes very siancoz imagine how weird it is for me to b at the Ktv wif her n her fren u just wanna intro me to her not her fren ok.. sometimes is tat we got other plans too lor not i dun wan to go lor..

Msg 3: Ya u really dun noe my mum i think she is not stubborn thinking like u imagine lor.. she insist on things means she wan it lor n i tell u she is the onli person tat will reject lor.. dun believe u can ask my sister oh n by the way.. to hold ur hands is not for acting since u wan it just tell me sometimes i just get carried away lor.. tell me lor.. n if u still think ur way bout my family den ok good i might as well end this relationship since u say i threaten u wif my mum rite n tat u used to have bf like no bf rite tat means i am not one since the start y not end it..

Msg 4: Did i now say i am unhappy wif u resting.. dun i allow u to rest now.. during the ton last nite can u remember wat i say to u when u got tired.. u always tell me do this do tat i starting say dun wan den u not happy liaoz when i say wan u oso dun wan liao den wat u wan to do.. dun i love u more den ur son.. go marry ur son den.. n did i always ask u to make me happy? u think i treat u as a clown is it?

Msg 5: ya lor im in the wrong lor ok i dunno how to treat girls anyway looks like u think i am threatening u rite fine this time i think i make it a real one isick of it tats tat.. u dun have to entertain me anymore dun sms back too.. looks like everything i say u oso have something to win me i shut up forever..

Msg 6: Who is avoiding now? am i so wat if im not n u think i so childish how do i not avoid like as if i tell u how i feel u will listen if u will listen justnow u already understood wat i have said who is avoiding now get it clear u always think u win coz i hate to quarrel tat is all.. im not threatening okis u n ur stupid thinking ok u blame everything n everyone n everyone is in the fault dun u have no idea tat some freaking problems come from u.. but ujust dun admit oh great u always think ur rite.. fine u r rite anyway i said my piece whether u wanna think ur way n continue its up to u.. if u thinki threatening u now ok lets break up..


PS: I dun wish anyone other person other who might read my blog to comment anything. And I'm not trying to show that I'm actually rite and he's wrong. I'm just blogging what I myself feel. I jusr hope he will understand how I feel and understand me. Above are just my stupid thoughts and what i feel stupidly. For now I'll end here. Hope time will heal all wounds and wind will blow all unhappiness spells away..